How far did you fall?
by Kat-of-the-Streets
Summary: Mary and Cora are in the waiting room while Robert is in surgery. Mary talks to her mother and reflects her own feelings on Matthew's and possibly her father's death. One shot.


She looks at her mother. There is blood on her dress, there is blood on her hands and there is even blood on her face. Baxter tried to clean her but to no avail. Her mother refused to be given a bath, she has refused to be given anything. She refused the drink that was offered to her, the prayers, Edith trying to hold her, Tom trying to make her think of other things. Her mother has done nothing but stare at the wall for hours.

She has been alone with her mother for a few minutes now. Edith couldn't stand the pressure anymore and went outside. She cannot find fault in her sister for that. She wishes she could leave too but she can't.

She cannot leave because on the most horrible day of her life her mother sat with her for hours. She let her cry and wail and throw things everywhere and held her hand and the baby when needed. She agreed with her that life was unfair and didn't even flinch when she said that if Matthew was dead she wanted to die as well. She can only imagine how much that must have hurt her mother. If George were ever to say that…

She wishes Sybil was here. Her younger sister would have been able to explain what was going on, would have been able to make their mother talk. But she isn't here anymore. She died just as Matthew died and as their father is about to die.

"I won't be able to go on," her mother says without looking at her. "I won't."

She feels as if the temperature had dropped by at least ten degrees and the dark room with the naked walls had become even darker.

"You will," she says because there is nothing else to say. "No," her mother says decidedly. "I am not as strong as you or Edith or Tom. I will have no strength left. I won't be able to bear it."

She doesn't say anything. She does not want to think about it. She wants her father to live and there is a small chance that he might. Her father is a strong a man.

"He might live," she says hoping this to be true.

"I am not sure," her mother replies and she wishes she had not said this. Isn't her mother supposed to give her comfort? No. Not today. Not right now.

"You love him very much," she says and her mother nods.

"More than anyone could ever have imagined. That will make it worse."

"Yes," she says because it is the truth. Nothing has ever hurt her as much as Matthew's death. The price for great love is great misery if one of you dies, after all.

"I wish I didn't love him so much. If I couldn't tolerate him, if we had become what we were expected to become this would not be so hard."

"What were you expected to become?" she asks although she knows the answer.

"Desperately unhappy. But we've always been happy. Even before your father realized that he loved me we were happy. And now his death is going to make me worse than desperately unhappy."

She leans her head against to wall for it to cool down. Suddenly she has become very hot despite the room being so cold. Her mother's words scare her and remind her of the pain the felt after Matthew's death. Pain she never wants to feel again.

"It will hurt Mama," she says. "It will hurt more than you can imagine. But, in the end, it will get better."

Her mother shakes her head. The artificial light in the room sparkling in the diamonds in her head are sending tiny rays of light across the room.

She decides that there is no use is lying, that the brutal truth is always best.

"If he dies, you are going to fall into a deep hole. You will want to hide and probably want to die yourself."

Her mother nods.

"I supposed as much. I saw it with you and Edith and Tom. How far did you fall?" her mother asks and she needs a moment to think about it.

"Until I hit rock bottom," she says. "And then Granny told me that I had to rejoin the living."

"Your father wanted to protect you from the world," he mother says.

"And you didn't?" she asks, although again, she knows the answer.

"No. Not after a little while. Your Papa and I, we fought about it. But in the end he agreed with me. It was best for you, for him and for Downton if you were involved."

She nods. She always knew this.

"I'll fight for you. If you need someone to do so. I'll make sure you return to the land of the living when it is time."

She looks up and sees her sister return.

"Dr. Clarkson should be here soon," Edith says and sits down next to her. She is pale and looks like a ghost. But she can't make fun of her, not now.

"Shouldn't we send Mama home?" Edith asks. "To spare her of having to listen to Dr. Clarkson," and then Edith stops speaking. Her sister, always less courageous than her, is too afraid to say the words.

"No. We can't protect her from it. She needs to know and she has a right to learn it from Dr. Clarkson."

Her mother looks up and although there is no smile on her face she nods in thanks.

No one says anything until Dr. Clarkson opens the door. She tries to read his body language but can't. He looks neutral. Too neutral. And he walks towards her mother. Just as he should.

"Lady Grantham," he says and her mother looks up. She has never seen her looking so afraid.

"Yes?"

"Lord Grantham was very lucky."

"So he is alive?" her mother asks with a shaking voice.

"Yes. He is already out of danger. He will have to make some adjustments to his life. Dietary adjustments and less stress."

Her mother nods. "Yes, of course. May I see him?"

"He is still asleep, but yes, you may see him. I will take you to him."

Her mother turns around and smiles at her for a second before she follows Dr. Clarkson, head held high and relief radiating from her.

AN: I have always wondered what Mary, Edith and Cora would have done at the hospital while Robert was in surgery. I know that Mary is not likely to talk about her feelings but I think she would have done so in this situation if it had been neccessary.

Let me know what you think!

Have a great day,  
Kat

P.S.: For those of you who read my story _Shaken_ , this one shot has no connection to the story I am thinking about writing that I mentioned there.


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